* * *
“I was just like, fuck it. Tonight ain’t go’n be for the weak.”
“What you get?”
“Green Apple Twist. Smirnoff.”
“Damn son. You set that bitch to DefCon 5 didn’t you? That ‘Noff damn near put us in traction last week.”
“Yeah. But that was raspberry. I got a good feeling about this one. Trust me.”
And so began one of the most bizarre, disturbing, and all around fucked up nights of my life. Things started off innocuous enough. Just two guys making plans to celebrate my birthday on a lovely Friday evening. Even though a couple of more of my boys were going to kick it with us, we were planning on getting toasty before heading out. So far, so good. No complaints to speak of.
* * *
“Damn, she pulled the lazy card on you.” Justin said.
“Real talk.” I replied. At the time, I worked for an Engineering firm that helped the Navy write procedures for removing equipment from submarines. The work was OK, but my boss? This chick was on some other shit. For real.
“And then… she calls me a liar. To my face, dude. I was like…yo seriously? She almost got knocked out. If woulda hit that bitch in her mouth, she’d shit enamel for about two weeks.” Yeah she was a bitch, but I was probably overreacting. Probably.
“Naw, you don’t wanna do that. You played it right. Just shut up. Bide your time. You’ll be out of there in a minute.” Justin was right. Nevertheless, the conversation had me riled up, so I needed to release some tension. And how do you relieve tension? By ingesting copious amounts of alcohol, of course.
“Fuck it. It’s time to hit this ‘Noff.” I got off the couch and headed to the kitchen to find something to mix it with. Normally I would’ve drank it straight, but the previous week we had a bad episode drinking Raspberry Smirnoff straight. It was brutal. I didn’t get out of bed until 5:00 the next day, and my head didn’t stop ringing until 10:00 that night. I don’t know what it’s like to get hit by a Mack truck, but I’ll take that over drinking Raspberry Smirnoff any day of the week.
“Sean and Penn should be here in about 15 minutes.” Justin said.
“Cool.” I said as I opened the refrigerator. There wasn’t a whole lot to work with. Just some Mango ‘Tampico’ juice and a little more than a swallow of Cherry Limeade. I figured apples, cherries, limeade? Why not?
“You know we never decided. Black club or white club?” Justin asked.
“Or…Visions? It’s Middle Eastern, Indian, Asian night.” Justin said.
As I contemplated the dilemma, I began concocting the concoction. Six cubes of ice. Poured ‘noff an inch above ice. Poured just enough limeade to change color. Stirrred with knife. Tasted.
“Damn. This shit is tasty as Hell.”
“For real?” Justin responded.
“Dude come check this shit.”
“It’s like that?”
I took an ever bigger swallow.
“I might be falling love. Seriously.”
Justin got up off the couch to see what the racket was about. He understood loud and clear once he took a sip.
“Damn!” Justin said.
“I told you.” I replied.
“What’s in this?”
“That ‘noff and cherry limeade.”
“Damn, son. It’s got my jaw tight off of one sip. Best drink ever?”
“Maybe. Definitely top 5 material.”
So I kill the glass in maybe 10 seconds. Splash…
“Dude. This shit bout to have me speaking in tongues, yo. Like I’ve been baptized.”
“You feel born again?” Justin asked.
The next few words may haunt me for the rest of my life.
“I got the perfect name for it. Holy Water.”
“Nice. The perfect drink to wash away your sins.” Not quite.
* * *
The fantastic concoction known as Holy Water transformed the rest of the night…for the worst, I’d like to add. After guzzling my drink, I called Sean and Pen and told them to pick up another bottle of cherry limeade and Green Apple on their way over. We were planning on some serious drinking.
As Justin and I waited, Travis and Geoff, the white guys from upstairs, came down to see what was up for the night. They walked in sipping on Crown and Cokes, wondering why the fuck we weren’t drinking. I told them to wait a few and all would be made clear.
Justin turned on some music and opened the front door. After a few minutes the girls who were hanging with Travis and Geoff, stopped by. Right on their heels were Sean and Pen. It was on. After dapping the fellas up, it was showtime.
“Everyone. Everyone. Gather round. No pushing. There’s plenty room for all considered. This is a very privileged group, because you are all about to witness something like no other. Please feast your eyes upon this counter top. You’ll see only three simple ingredients. Yet these ingredients are special. Very special, indeed. I have ice. Green Apple Smirnoff. And Minute Maid Cherry Limeade. Please follow along. I fill a glass with six cubes of ice. Smirnoff goes past the level of ice. An inch. Maybe a bit more if you’re feeling particularly randy. I add just enough limeade to smooth out the sourness and change the color. A stir. And hoila! I give you Holy Water. Here you are fine sir.”
I gave the glass to Travis. He took a sip and gave it to his girl Stephanie. She took a sip.
“This is good. Real good. Like, it gets better the more you drink it.” Stephanie said.
“Another satisfied customer.” I said.
“This is the best drink I’ve had in a while. I can’t even lie.” Travis said.
“Who’s next?” I said.
* * *
And so it began. Holy Water poured forth as if Christ himself had kissed Niagra Falls. I just put my shit on repeat for the next hour. Make drink for guests. Make drink for self. Over and over and over again. I probably had about six or seven full glasses. They go down real easy. In retrospect, probably a little too easy.
“I’m telling you. Leopard Lounge is gonna be off the hook.” Travis said.
“I don’t know dude. Last time? I ain’t have no fun.” I said. My jaw began to tighten up and I started to blink, which are both signs that I was on the road to obliteration.
“Yeah, we were thinking about Liquid.” Sean said.
Life is an ironic playground. The black guys wanted to go to a white club. The white guys wanted to go to a black club. So we split the difference and decided to go to The Compound, which is an everybody club.
At that point, I was feeling pretty decent. And by decent, I mean I was buzzing like Mya the Bee. Nevertheless, I caught a case of “fuck it” and whipped up a half glass of Holy Water before we left.
“What, is that your seventh?” Justin asked.
“Uhh..fuck if I know. Might be more. Maybe less. Who cares?” I replied.
“This guy’s a machine.” Pen said.
Travis’ brother ran a limousine company, so every now and then he would let Travis use a car on a slow night. This is why you gotta keep at least two white friends at all times, people. That shit comes in handy. Anyway, all eight of us piled into a stretch Expedition. The driver turned up the radio as soon as we stepped in. I was having a ball. I was with good friends. I was riding in a free limo. It was my birthday weekend. Heaven.
* * *
So we arrived at Compound, and as we climbed out I noticed the long ass line. I then noticed that “Big” Steve was working the door.
“Oh shit…my boy working the door. Hold on.”
“You gonna make it?” Justin asked.
I semi-stumbled over to the door where Big Ron is standing.
“’Sup pimpin’? You here now?”
“Mr. Faircloth. What’s the deal? Yeah, I’m done with Visions. Tryin’ to handcuff a mu’fucka. Know what I’m saying? Had to kick rocks.”
“That’s what’s up. So yo? What’s up? Can me and my crew roll through?”
“Fa sho. Come on.”
“Ay, it’s cool. Let’s roll.” I yelled to my compatriots.
Big Steve wasn’t the most intellectually gifted person enrolled at our college. During senior year he was struggling through Business Policy, an incredibly difficult class you had to pass in order to graduate. Knowing full well he wasn’t up to the task, he paid me $100 to do his final project. It got an A, he graduated, and he’s been indebted to me ever since.
So after we get in, my jaw is super tight and there was a slight breeze blowing between my ears. I was wobbly. My eyelids were heavy. People and objects were starting to become formless entities. It was a wrap, and I should have just been cool and chilled, but since everyone immediately headed for the bar? Fuck it.
Everyone ordered cocktails, but I ordered a Corona. I figured that to be a safe choice. So we got our drinks and began the obligatory walk around the club. The place was packed to the brim. The bass was pounding. Women were wearing the bare minimum. Walking was a bit of a chore, because I has having problems focusing. It was then that the damnedest thing happened to me. The Corona bottle just fell out of my hand. It just slipped out, as if the muscles in my hand had atrophied to the point of nothingness. That had never happened before. Trust me. Heaven forbid I drop even a teaspoon of liquor. That’s alcohol abuse, and I didn’t believe in that. Needless to say, that’s when I knew the night was not going to end well.
* * *
So I end up dancing with a chick for what seemed like an eternity. The only way I could keep my balance was to hold on to her. Everything, and I do mean everything, was a blur. I didn’t even know what the chick looked like. But she was into me. She was into me so much that she put my hands on her chest. I squeezed. Soft. I squeezed a little more. No resistance. Without thinking, I gently glided my hands down to her nether region. She was into it. The next thing I know, she slipped me the tongue. It was so on.
We kissed and did other things for God knows how long. Mind you, I had no idea where my boys were, but I was having fun. Well…at first I was having fun. At some point things went awry. I got this unusual feeling in my stomach…which lead to an incredible feeling of control loss throughout my body. I was in dangerous territory. Never having been that drunk before, I didn’t know whether I was about to throw up or die. I wasn’t quite sure which one I preferred. At this moment of weakness, she whispered into my ear. I have no idea what she said. Scout’s honor.
“I think I love you.” I responded. Yep. People do really stupid things when drunk.
She then snatched me by my wrist and led me outside. I couldn’t keep my head from rolling around like a cerebral palsy patient, but I was game for following this chick to wherever she went. When we got outside, my eyes were pretty much closed, my knees were shaking, and I think I could taste my brain fluid in the back of my mouth.
She introduced me to some guy and I’m pretty sure I shook his hand.
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah.” The guy said. Or something to that effect. My ears weren’t really working. I could kind of make out the guy’s face, but he was still blurry.
“I. Need to. Lay. Down.” I said. Or something to that effect.
Next thing I know, I’m hopping in the back seat of a car with this chick.
“Wait. I…my boys. I.” She then shoved her tongue down my throat, reached into my pants, and said hello to Captain Kangaroo. My pants pocket started to vibrate which added to the effect. I’m pretty sure the protesting stopped.
* * *
In seemingly seconds, we are at her apartment door. As soon as we stepped in, she started leading me to the bedroom. At this point, I’m a little bereft of detail, so I can’t give the blow by blow. Actually, I’m kind of happy about that. The less known, the better.
So she threw me down on the bed and hopped on my chest. She’s totally naked in what seems like a second. She then hopped on my face, and started grinding like a diamond cutter. Stay with me. It gets better. Trust me. This goes on for I don’t know how long, but at some point I feel a mouth on my dick. Don’t remember another person entering the room. Don’t remember my pants being removed, either. I do remember it was a great blow job, though. So life was good until…
The chick got off of my face. I remember being curious about seeing the chick that was doing such a good job of shining the silver. I force my eyes open and try to focus. Slowly but surely the picture came into view.
IT WAS THE GUY FROM OUTSIDE THE CLUB. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
He stopped. Stood up. And left the room. I do believe I blacked out at that point, because as far as the rest of the night goes, I can’t distinguish between dream, reality, and nightmare. I have vague recollections of grabbing hair and falling off the bed. I may have had a conversation with the Devil, but I can’t confirm.
* * *
The next morning I woke up sober as Hell. And no, there was no searing pain or anything untoward in my posterior, so no one plunged into my dark tunnel. However, I have no idea of what I did and to whom I did or didn’t do it to.
She was asleep with her head was under the covers, which was perfect for my escape. I put on my clothes and walked out of the door. And wouldn’t you know it? I was actually in my apartment complex. I had to chuckle. Then a sudden shiver ran down my spine. It was…
THE GUY FROM OUTSIDE THE CLUB. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I ran to my apartment faster than Ben Johnson on a steroid-speed cocktail. I didn’t even bother to take off my clothes. I just jumped in the shower, turned the water on, and tried to wash away my immense shame.
* * *
So, OK. I got stupid ridiculous drunk, let some guy blow me, and didn’t really object that hard. But that does not make me gay. It was a one time thing, never to happen again. I blame it all on the Holy Water. That is why I, then and there, decided to give up drinking…and started smoking weed. I never heard of anyone smoking out and getting so high that they let a guy blow him. It was difficult, because I was a fool for liquor, but God was obviously trying to tell me something. I decided to listen for once.
The only thing that still eats at me is, I still don’t know exactly what the chick looks like. I went by the apartment a couple times, but I never saw anyone come out of it or go into it. I asked around, and no one could tell me the name of the people that lived there. That’s the crazy part. It’s like they don’t even exist. But I know for a fact that they do. Shit, I probably bumped into them while getting my mail, and the sick fucks didn’t have the decency to say anything about it.
Anyway, I’d like to end this chapter with a couple lessons learned from this fuckery:
- Holy Water is the Devil’s elixir. Seriously, he will appear and talk mad shit about you and your mama.
- Drinking is the road to Hell. Can’t be argued. At. All.
- Getting blown by a guy one time, while under the influence, does not make you gay. I really can’t stress this enough. This does not make me gay, in any way.
There you have it. I’ve given you the recipe for Holy Water. If you’re feeling particularly ‘bout it, go ahead and give it a try. If you end up in a dumpster, naked, with a tattoo of an elephant’s dick on your face don’t say I didn’t warn you.